I've been thinking about why some parents seem to shut out the obvious signs of their kids' drinking or unsafe driving or whatever. Why parents are in denial about their kids participating in dangerous behaviors. Statistics show that kids *are* doing these things, so don't assume that it's "not my kid" because it very well could be. My best guess is that parents don't want to hear what their kid is doing from other parents because they think it shows failure or weakness as a parent. Get over it. If my kid is making a choice to do something that is wrong or illegal or whatever - PLEASE tell me. I know my child has to make their own choices out in the world, but that does not mean that I don't want to know what they are (while they are minors and living at home) and that I don't want them to take responsibility for those choices when needed. I'd rather know that my kid is underage drinking so I can have the appropriate conversation with them rather than have them try to hide it from me and think that another adult is helping them.
It's okay to tell your kids "no" when they want to do something that you're not okay with. You will NOT be the only parent that doesn't want their kids out drinking or at prom parties. Your kid will survive the embarrassment - they might not survive the drunk driving accident.
The job of a parent is to make sure your kid becomes an independent individual who can make choices for themselves and take responsibility. They have to learn these things when they are a teenager. I can't remember how the saying goes, but it's along the lines of parenting is like no other job in the world - when you're successful at it, you make your job obsolete.